Dogs should stick to biting the mailman :/

Ok it's been a while.. I have been focusing on that work thing since i'm determined to buy a restaurant in 2 years... or less if my kidney for sale on E-Bay gets a hit :D

So today I was minding my own business and had just finished work when I came home to an email  an ex dog that I havent seen or spoken to in over 6 months....

"Hay chick,

How u be? Been a while, have called past a couple of times but your car not there, was even ganna cum knock on your window 1 nite a couple of weeks ago but wasnt sure if i should lol, hope u are well and things are going good.

Hear from u soon i hope

X"

Ok let's break down the stupidity of this dog.

* "Hay chick"  - wtf am I a duck??.... Dude grow a set. Or is it that you forgot my name... surely not since you sent it to my personal email :/ 

* The grammar - Come on! I know you went to school and have owned a business, whats your excuse! I admit my spelling/grammar is shocking but I'm a chef... I dont need to know how to spell CHICKEN! 

* Knocking on a girls (who lives alone) window late at night - really??...this was your brilliant plan??... you don't see anything wrong with this master romantic gesture??.. 

* "have called past a couple of times but your car not there" -  hhhh yeah that doesn't read even slightly stalkerish aye... knowing now you drive past my house regularly which is about half hour outta your way.. yeah nice :/ 

* "Hear from you soon I hope" - are you sitting there seriously thinking this email is going to get any kind of response.. its not even worthy of a "fuck off loser" 

* And as for the "X" -  I'm really hoping this is the location where your body has been buried

Stick to chasing the mailman cause chasing me ain't gonna get you very far....

Mobile Dogs

So my dog ban is not as easy as I thought it might be....

I realise that dogs have heightened sense of smell but how the hell they can sense a Bitch is refusing to put out is beyond me.  So far i've had one ex and two other doggies show interest in humping my leg and other various doggie bits.. 

I would also like to add that the dogs I talk to on twitter are house trained and dont bite or piss on the carpet...much. These cute puppies are exempt from any references in this post to dogs..... they my dawgs not my DOGS !!

But these other ones.... lets take the ex for example...he contacts me out of nowhere (haven't spoken to him in 8 months!) and out of the blue he sends me a text saying " hey i've found the perfect gift for ur birthday".

Huh I dont get it??

Why does a guy, who you havent spoken to in over half a year, think you want or need a gift from him... "ohhhh share your toys with me and maybe I'll let you give me your bone too".

Man some dogs have no clue..

And then today I get a text from some unknown mongrel which I will post it exactly as it reads  "Heyah...h0w y0u?waht yah d0in*?Wana hav fun??"

Ok seriously do dogs think this approach is gonna work for them.. do they think a Bitch would get this random txt and go "fuck yeah I wanna hit that".

Come on son...  put some effort in.

I once got a note written on a used pie packet left on my car at work saying "if you want a younger man txt me". I ended up finding out who it was from and it was this 22 year old puppy who's bad text grammar was his downfall.. but really a pie packet??? ..

On a side note: leaving notes on girl's car windows after following them to their work because you liked their "long legs and hot boots" (no lies Bitches that is what he said :/ ) is not a cool way to get my attention. 

What was with the boots comment by the way , did puppy wanna chew on my shoes? 

So yeah romance is dead and so is my faith in dogs.. I'm bout ready to give up dogs altogether and chase me some pussy cat !!

As for the mystery romantic text writer I think I'm gonna do something interesting with your number  >:)

Now where was I ...oh thats right Here Kittty Kitty Kitty :P

This Bitch Bites !!

OMG I am so over dogs...

I understand  that sometimes dogs and bitches don't always work out but theres nothing worse than gutless poochies that don't have the balls to tell a Bitch that they are no longer keen... no string her along and play stupid games yeah that's way cooler... 

But if a Bitch was to keep a guy hanging by the gonads while she was hitting other dogs ohhh then she's a hoe or a cheating cunt..

These dogs need to check themselves cause you ain't all that and us Bitches shake it off and move on forgetting your scent in a heartbeat... raise your paws girls if a guy has said everythings all good only for you to see for yourself that its not the case..

It's a joke watching them play the same ball  games in the park with other bitches that they played with you. FFS dog grab a Frisbee and mix it up a little.. you are a joke.

I don't give a fuck if a dog isn't into me .. what really pisses me off is once again its proved that the only guys I'm into are those street mutts.. lil G Unit dogs with their gold dog chains and markings acting like they all that when the only way they feel good bout themselves is to hump any bit of tail that wags their way...

I guess big picture I'm glad I never shared a kennel with this dog but fuck Muttly have the respect for yourself if not me to at least lick your balls and clean that shit up before you stick it in another poodles face.

So from today I'm putting myself on a self imposed dog ban for 6 months.. now hopefully in that time a few things will happen..

1. I finish my studies and can blow off school and all the hard work I've put into these last few years

2. I can make a decision on which city to move to... current location isn't big enough for me to go further in my career

3. Hopefully my brain not my vagina will take control and make informed choices when it comes to these damn dogs.

I dare you to come sniff round me right now... I will rip off your doggie doodle and shove it down your throat and walk off leaving you choking on that bitch...

Re The Mystery Contributor

So a little background on our mystery writer... without giving away her secret identity..

She is one smoking hot Bitch... great tits and been humped by a few bad mongrels .. truly a funny lady who amuses me constantly, though she does make fun of my laugh :(

regardless of this flaw I would share my kennel and chew toy with her anyday

ohhhh she needs a secret identity name for the blog.. mystery contributor does not show off her boobs  :P

<3 U

The Mystery Contributor

And herein begins my first contribution to this blog. I am sure it is just the start of many. As boys continue to act as the lying cheating scum that they are, they will continue to provide fodder for this blog.

Case in point – my friend Tramp (all names have been changed to protect the infamous). On the outside Tramp seems like the dream dog, good natured, friendly, shiny coat and nose, cums when called. You know the deal. Now Tramp has a bitch, lets call her Lady. Lady assumes, and rightly so, that Tramp is her stud. They sleep in the same kennel every night and have done so for the past 7 years. They have roamed the country (and beyond) together, peeing on the same hydrant, sharing spaghetti and meatballs etc etc. Lady is happy she has finally found the Tramp of her dreams….except (there is always an except isn’t there) Tramp isn’t quite as homeward bound as Lady thinks. Tramp has been sniffing around another bitches hindquarters.

This bitch…

Tramp wants to have his Lady and eat this bitch too.

So….knowing that Tramp already has his lady, what is this bitch to do.  Do I take the moral high ground and tell the cheating Tramp to stick it where the sun don’t shine…or do I throw caution to the wind, embrace my whorey side and tell Tramp..to stick it where the sun don’t shine…

Sigh comments are welcomed...

Don't get it twisted

Now just to clarify something that has been brought up... I do not hate dogs.

I am not some flannel wearing, dude looking, man hating lesbian.. though after a few drinks I may swing a little off centre 

I loveeeee men and dogs. I have had some great relationships with the boys ..ok I've had great sex, the relationships were pretty crap as I have explained prior regarding my attraction to arseholes..

 *sighs* ohh how I love me a bad puppy 

I'm just here expressing my opinion on the world of dating and relationships.. I have no intention on going the gay way .. power to those that do but not me cause I wanna be the prettiest girl in the bed ;)

  the only thing i have given up on is trusting my instinct when it comes to you doggies and have enlisted the help and advice of a nice trusted dog who can tell me if the scent of the dog I'm sniffing is for real or he's just pissing on my leg

Alpha Dog you ain't all that

Ok so I worked a 15hr day the other day.. I'm a chef so this means  I "worked" 15hrs straight.

During busy functions there is no time for breaks etc.. its part of this industry and you either learn to deal with it or go work at McDonald's (no offence if you work at macca's... chill !)

Now a lot of people presume (incorrectly) that as cheffing is about cooking etc it would be a bitch run profession.. ohhhh no no no it is not.. the Alpha has taken a firm grip on it .. and has a serious issue with the bitch being on top....  now I know you are saying a bitch on top rocks but unless it involves the Alpha's cock this is not the case.

Without being a smug faggot I would say I am one of the better chefs working in my restaurant.. the head chef is amazing and I have much respect for that dog, however there are 3 mongrel dogs that work there that are to be fair ... Fucking useless.

When someone is sick, who pulls a 15hr double shift.. on their day off who gets called in to help...who does all the budgets, costings and brings new recipes and ideas to this restaurant...who does 4 hr mail drops of advertising.. that's right THE BITCH !!

Now even though the head chef does respect and appreciate my work and I have progressed up the ladder, why is it that the useless (and I really mean useless) chefs that get the perks, the trips away for competitions and all the advantages that I have to beg and sweat blood to get....its simple ... they hold the PENIS !!   pun totally intended :)

Now I worked a double and was given less than 12 hrs warning. I was meant to be going away for a girls weekend which I had to cancel.. so I call the boss this morning and ask for tomorrow off so I can still get away for a night... but what did  I not have to  bring to the table....that's right  THE PENIS !

So I went the mature response and proceeded to tell the boss I feel PMS coming on, describing the bloating and cramping I was experiencing in graphic detail..  sensing his uncomfortable state on the phone I decided to up the stakes and told him I also needed to take an hour off tomorrow to get a pap smear... I even threw in I should probably get a wax first as well.. 

He hurriedly mumbled incoherently something bout  "whatever take the day off grrr humbug" and hung up... so yes oh mighty Alpha you may hold the Penis but poochie I got you by the balls :D